Things and Dysphoria?

So. So much has happened.

I finally kicked my boyfriend out. I couldn't take it any more.

It went okay.

I feel really good lately, with all my friends calling me Ethan and my niece too. My family are even slowly picking it up from her. My niece is a difficult problem.. Well not a problem, but a bit of a conundrum. I'm not going to talk about it all again, it's in my August YouTube video.

I'm getting really.. Attached to my friend. And I don't want to.. But I do.. But... Gosh.

That's a story for another time.

But last night I had what I have to say is my worst ever dysphoric moment that didn't involve genitals. I was on Skype, mooostly topless. Whilst I want them gone, my chest isn't as much of a big deal for me - it's my lower parts that are the worst problem. Anyhow, I just, looked at my wrist, because it itched. And I don't know why but for the last month or two, the veins in my wrist and the back of my hand have been pretty prominent - it pleases me so much. And in the last few weeks, my wrists have thickened out a little due to the extra exercise I've been doing on my arms. And I dunnoh, I looked and thought hey, look at that, it's me. But, then, I had tits, and I'm Ethan and he and boy and.. I got.. I dunnoh I felt really down and disconnected for a long while and had to cover myself up (wrists included).

But that disconnection feeling hasn't happened to me for months.. And it's horrid. And it makes me wonder just how much worse this is going to get before I get T and it kicks in and starts making a difference.