Blah

So.. Manymanythings.

I feel kind of sick and shy and cringy and in pain - I'm sick of people calling me by my birth name, or referring to me as She. I know it's not their fault - I'm not out to the people doing it - but it does make me feel terrible.

Additionally I'm tired of this boyfriend who doesn't really care about me.

"You're just ruining our relationship."

"You just don't care about me, do you?"

"You were happy before, you just need to go back to being my girlfriend and you won't even care."

Yes, thank you dearest, because you've lived inside my head how long? And last time I cried or allowed my sad emotions to show and how you just got angry with me and called me stupid really helped us bond, honest. Fuck you.

Fuck you and your calling me stupid, fuck you and your moods, fuck you and your paranoia, pessimism, and laziness. Fuck you, you fucking drain on my funds, who doesn't even sign on, clean, shop, wash clothes, or wash up.

Fuck you and your addiction to computer games that are online and cost me money.

Fuck you and your constant assertion that buying £20 food from Iceland is better than wandering around real butchers, grocers, and fishmongers.

Fuck you and telling me I don't need something I want.

Fuck you for trying to tell me what I want.

Just generally fuck you, you fucking piece of shit fuck.

I can't kick you out, because despite your issues, I love you, and want to be with you and laugh with you and watch Star Trek and play guitar and make raptor noises and dance like a crazed loon and make endless endless references to obscure scenes in movies and games and programs. I want to look at your beautiful long blonde hair and how it curls around your face at the edges of your jaw and merges with your ginger beard. I want to nom on your freckly lovely skin and ruffle the blonde fuzz of your happy trail or chest, I want to laugh at you checking your hair before we go out, I want to discuss the minutia of the items in some game we're playing, mock each other's music taste, play with each other's wibbly parts, randomly grab each other and dry-hump your butt. Also, where would you go? You'd go mad if you had to deal with the council and shit. Would you refuse to go, freak out, break shit?

This place in my guts is all twisted and hurting and you dinnae care.