Letter to My Mother

A letter to my mother. I'll never send her this.. But I had to get it out of my head before I get stupid and send her a PM on Facebook or some shitty stupid thing like that.

I desperately want to tell you, mother.

But what if you cry and scream and mourn the loss of 'your little girl', the little girl you never had. I'm still me, I'll just be getting rid of these terrible things. You know what I mean, you also find them annoying, but you like being female.. You liked having a little girl and you disliked having a little boy (my brother).

I need to be there. But at the same time I am a coward and I don't want to see what you do. I don't want to wake in the night to your crying in your nightmare, and worry every night that this time, the nightmare is about me.

I love you, mother.

I'm not your little girl, though. You knew tomboy never cut it. You never cared that I slept with women - you just wouldn't do it yourself.

You never tried to make me wear dresses or have long hair or play with makeup.. You never forced boundaries on lovers or friends or books or games - you just taught me, gave me logical boundaries, and let me grow.

I'm sorry I left when I was nine. I couldn't handle the way you took the breakup with dad. I couldn't handle seeing you cry or scream or tear your hair out in great black clumps in the middle of your kitchen.

I'm sorry that I'm so uncomfortable, the further I get out into the world, that I need to adjust myself. I know you taught me my whole life to follow my heart, and do what makes me happy - An it harm none, do what ye will - I remember, mother. I hope this doesn't hurt you. I worry that it will. I love you.

I know you understand how I can't look at myself in the mirror - but you have different reasons. I don't see me, I see this person that has my head, my hands, but the rest doesn't fit with how I see myself, how I saw myself.

You know I've always hated that I'd grow up to be female. You remember how my whole life I said I wanted my womb removed. You remember how I was always a guy in D&D, in other games, at play. You know me, you know I'm not comfy.

Please please accept me. You gave me life, and a mind, you gave me computers and language, theatre, logic, science, herb and vegetable info. You made me who I am, but somehow I ended up in the wrong shape.. I think I've always known that, even if I never realised why.

Now I know I can fix it. I can be myself, get rid of the dissonance, get rid of the confusion and hatred and horror.

I can be free.

But I need you, mother.

I love you.

I'm sorry.