To the extent that I had a nightmare a few days ago (I don't even dream, usually) and yesterday morning I got up to make a cuppah and in my half-asleep state got very confused and upset and scared because I had breasts.. It was that kind of gut-clenching, almost-retching fear.. for a good few minutes until I ran back into the bedroom to grab my binder and a baggy t-shirt.
Additionally, I'm male to all family and friends that I encounter regularly (not my mother, wanna tell her in person and she lives hundreds of miles away) and they refer to me as He and Ethan.. But at work I'm not out.. And it's dreadful. And the boyfriend accepts that I'm going to transition, but it's understandably hard on him, so I don't mind him calling me his girlfriend or my given name.. He needs time, and he is getting better. Apart from calling me selfish now and then, when he's in a bad mood and wants to lash out..
This.. Dissonance between life and work, it does my head in. I know I hardly pass, but somehow having half my world accept it and the other half in the dark is seriously fucking my head up.
I kinda wanna crawl into a time-warp until my first T dose.. I haven't even gotten info back on funding yet, let alone any confirmation that I'll ever get prescribed. I actually hate needles, but for this, I'd take them. However, if possible I'm asking for gel or cream, as the levels are more steady due to the daily application and personally I believe that would be healthier for my body and mind.
I did call my doctor; waiting on a call back..
Crossed fingers, tight chest.
I want to be free.
No comments:
Post a Comment