Bluhh?!

Today. I am angry.
I am stressed.
I want to destroy.

And it makes me think about things. It reminds me that I used to write, and create and then destroy and it would help. I used to draw and sculpt and then tear and smash it all away, remove it all, all that emotion spilled out onto screen or paper or into clay and then destroyed, purifying, cleansing. Now I just stew, I lost my creativity when I escaped from her.
And people yell, they yell. I don't want to share but sometimes they find something while I'm doing it and then I have to smash it quick and they get upset. It's my heart, my soul, I can tear it and stamp and burn all I want, I don't want you to have that power over me. Get away from my heart, get out of me.

Why do I obsess so much over that concept?

I'm thinking about showers a lot lately, how they feel and the colours of the sound and temperature. I want to draw them but I can't because no-one would understand it. Nothing I draw means anything to anyone but me so I can't share but I want to share something I want to give joy to strangers as a gift in the shadow of a cool tree or the way a word tastes but I can't do that, can I? It's all just a crazy combination of things that people don't understand or think is in my head but it's not. Things taste and smell and feel in ways no one mentions and it's so much data that I could burst!

Why am I writing this here? I dunnoh really, just thought I'd post and maybe one day I'll look back and this irrational reaction to life will be gone.
Maybe I'm angry and sad and excited and terrified for a reason.
Not just college finishing next week.
Maybe it's all linked to gender.

I want to tell you, world, to just shut the fuck up to wake up to look around and think and smile and tell the trees you love them! Dance in the dark and sing while you work and suck your teeth and fuck like it's your first time and last time on this earth. Love with every tiny part of yourself, give it all away, ask for nothing, plan for the worst, expect the best, and alwayalways be yourself.

I will be myself outside, not just inside.

I will be treated as me.

I will.

I