Introductions

Hello there,

I don't know why you're here; there are plenty of more informative sites out there. But sure, pull up a camp-chair or a big old cushion and settle in. I don't mind.

I've mostly made this for my own records, to be able to look back one day and smile at the mountain I made of the molehill, to keep something I can't lose, and to provide myself with what basically amounts to a central node in a network of links and things that I might otherwise have to keep as bookmarks (eugh).

I guess introducing myself is the first thing.
I'm Ethan. I'm 23 right now, I'm transgendered, and I'm not yet even near the door to transitioning to my correct gender. But, I'm tired of never fitting in a bracket, not because I WANT a bracket, but because I want other people to get what they expect. I'm sick of the girls thinking I want to talk about celebrities or hair or people we know or babies, expecting me to know what the hell foundation is and how to sterilise a bottle. I'm sick of guys who don't know me (because once you've met me you tend to realise I'm not a girl) asking me if "I need help with that" because having tits obviously makes me completely spatially retarded and physically useless, unable to screw a bolt in or know the difference between a hard drive and a stick of RAM. I'm sick of having these things jiggling about on me, and I'm sick of never really being able to relax about my lower bits. I don't like het sex, and I can't bring myself to let girls see that I'm not a guy down there.

I never was a girl. I hated pink, and dolls, and stupid cartoons for girls, and makeup and people looking at me. Thankfully my family is really relaxed and never try to force anything on a kid, so I was allowed my cool toys and gadgets and muddy games and trousers and short hair. But I hit puberty and everything went down the drain. I suddenly was in a different category to my mates, just because I had boobs all of a sudden.

I thought of myself as a dyke for a long time. Though more specifically, I enjoy sleeping with women and find them physically attractive, but as I go for personality and not looks, I have been known to have relationships with guys; they just tend to be quite feminine guys. I call this Sapiosexual.

But I think it was in my last gay relationship that I started to realise I didn't even fit the expected role of 'dyke'. And of course, my first strap-on was amazing. But let's not go into that. Just that I suddenly realised how much I hated my own parts being attached to me.
I like my breasts; they're good breasts, in my opinion and that of my partners - not to big, small, squishy, etc. Just sort of good breasts. But as much as I enjoy having my own 'toys' I can't help but wake up sometimes and suddenly get a shock as I realise they're there and there's no way for me to get rid of them and look like me. When they're visible I feel like they make me less of a person, like everyone's looking at me and thinking "what the hell is that?!"
I've been saying since I was VERY young that "I want my womb removed" because I am not a girl. And then I started having periods. And they're just wrong, not right, they distress me.

Then, I learned about transitioning. And now I can't think about anything else. I want to be myself outside. I want it so badly that I am willing to suffer almost anything, even talking about myself, in person, to a medic. That's sort of another point in this blog; if I can think through the stuff I tend to keep internal here, then maybe I will get over my crusade against being open.

My mother bought me a binder, and I feel... Better. I feel confidant, myself, correct. Just from the removal of my breasts and several people accepting me as a man. It's great. But it's not enough. I want to be accepted as who I am, I want people to look at me and be able to know that I am a guy, I am not a girl.

I'm Ethan. And I'm coming out, and there's going to be no stopping me from achieving this.


I've joined a few groups, and several people have said I should have a blog or vlog or whatever; this is my little first video ramble. I'm unsure as to how to fix the difference in latency between my webcam and mic, as they're both integrated into my netbook, but I am looking into it.

If you've any suggestions for things I should talk about, feel free to ask. It's good for me to do this, so even the most odd query is welcome.