Dear Old Friend,

So, last night, I got a message from a friend whom I haven't seen for... Oh about five years.

We originally met about nine years ago, were very close friends (via the internet & texts) but only met up once or twice a year because he lives on the IOW.

Anyhow, he was in the pub that's thirty seconds up the hill from my home.

So up I went - I had food in the oven but I turned it off and went straight out.

He was a little shocked when I 'came out' to him on Facebook, because he's always been 'into' me. He's pretty cute himself, but I digress.

It was a nice evening for the most part. Apart from being instantly outed by him and his dad to the entire pub and darts club, and therefore not feeling safe using either loo and waiting until I got home at closing time.

And apart from that phrase.

The one I've only heard once or twice, but which really, really hurts.

Thinking? No, agonising over this, inspired me to write a letter, which I will of course not send to him, but is cathartic. And maybe helpful. I know a few transgirls online have mentioned hearing this from people and not knowing what to say, which I didn't either at the time, obviously, or I wouldn't be agonising over it.

Dear old friend,
I'm sure you meant well when you said "You'll always be -birth name- to me."
But basically what we hear is "I don't care what you do, I'm always going to treat you as -assigned-at-birth-gender-, use the wrong pronouns, the wrong name, and generally make you cry/feel like shit when you're finally alone again."

My dear friend. I should like to let you know that - because I honestly always believe the best of people and therefore expect that you meant well - I haven't changed at all. You don't need to tell me that, "you'll need to start doing This and This." I have always been this person, though perhaps in the past I made attempts to 'fit in'. What you will find now is that the perhaps-mostly-hidden self is now bright and prevalant, and that I am happy and confidant in myself at last.

Nothing has changed, except everything.
Please, even if you mean well, never tell me that I'll always be -birth name- to you again. It hurts, even if I laugh it off. And I realise I should tell you this in person, but I don't want to sound like I'm telling you off, or to get upset. I want you to have time to think about this and realise how much it hurts.

Dear old friend, for me to have gotten back in contact with you after all these years, and tell you about this big event in my life that will finally help me on my path to happiness, for me to trust you with this knowledge and almost-power over me, this shows how much I love you.

Dear old friend, I loved you.

Please don't hurt me with your uninformed opinions and reactions. I am still the same person, but I am also not.

-- Your friend,

with trust and love.