"You'll always be alone." and Dating...

"You'll always be alone."

Ever heard this? From someone you thought cared about you, from a cruel person, or just from the niggling little voices in the back of your mind?

I've heard it from all these places.

"You'll never be loved/always be alone/never be able to date.."

I think it's actually one of my biggest worries. Not because I believe other people will always be so narrow-minded, but because I myself can't hack the thought of my Bits. I mean, I go for personality, right - not genitals.

But with guys, I want to do stuff I clearly can't do, and well, most gay guys I know really don't like girly bits - and in general I don't like being screwed.

With girls, I again want to do stuff I can't do.

And I don't want to use a bit of bloody rubber.

It's not that I just want to do these things, it's that my body moves that way by default.

And to be quite honest a strap-on is fantastic but also horrendous.

I can't bear people seeing or touching my Bits..

But if I want to enjoy myself I have to - and yet if I do, I can't relax and enjoy myself because it freaks me out.

That's the strangest thing, you know? I want to enjoy myself but can't.

I want to meet people and share love and affection, and I can't.

The options for surgery aren't good enough. I wouldn't be satisfied with a metoidioplasty and phalloplasty is just wrong (for me).

So it's not that people will hate on me.

It's that I hate on myself.

And yes, I worry that I'll never get it sorted and be whole and 'able' and get to enjoy that level of connection with someone. I know I'll meet plenty of people for whom it won't be a problem - I'm not the only person in the world who goes for the mind. But it will always be a problem for me.

I hate being that person, in the bedroom, who has to just, step back and say, I can't take this any more, I can't do it, I'm freaking out, leave me alone. It pushes the other person away. It is hurtful to everyone involved.

This leads me on to thinking about dating.

When would I tell someone?

I can't decide. I believe it would depend on the person. Some people feel good, and you feel you could trust them with your inner heart, but some people are closed in ways that you can't quite understand and it takes time to build up a trust. Then you have some people who are open on sexuality and such. Some aren't.

In general I believe I'd only mention it if myself and other person got to the ah, deep kissing stage.. Because that in itself takes trust, for me at least.

How would I say it though?

I don't need to worry about it now, because I don't present very well - not if you know my age and the lighting is good. I'm too soft, too soft spoken, too cleanshaven, my sideburns aren't thick and bushy.. Too slim in the wrists and shoulders for a guy my height; I look between sixteen and eighteen - I asked some people. So when you find out that I am in fact, twenty-three... You start to second-guess the soft lips and skin, the lack of stubble..

But I still think about it. I don't honestly know.

I honestly can't think how you'd say something like that.

"Sorry love, but just so you know, my lower regions are girlshaped."

I mean. What?

Gods and little fishes.. So many questions and problems.. And for some I still don't know the answers - will I ever?